I yearned so deeply for my marriage to be real. I wanted the family, support system, unconditional love that I never received as a child. Only later to discover that it too was all a facade. That I was being used to fulfill someone else's fantasy life by being their trophy spouse, mother, caretaker, earner, lover, chef, and with no reciprocation. Only fake dates where we never talked; him taking the kids on campouts, only to go out and get drunk with the boys while the kids played with their friends, but taking the credit for being father of the year. And we all ate up the facade blindly, confusing fast food for the real thing.

I received very little in return for my unending efforts to show I was worthy of love, but freely issuing my love at no cost to my spouse of 17 years. The price of…

I recently I branched outside my comfort zone in a yoga/wellness community environment, openly discussing using one of my many self-healing tools, which happened to be alcohol / drinking. This topic can be very "taboo", and is ripe with external (and internal) judgment. I have learned that by embracing the tools we use to find betterment in our lives, without judgment of self, can further propel us into greener pastures of life, so to speak. We are programmed to believe that any form of addiction is unhealthy, toxic, will ruin your life, etc. Two main facts that resonate still today for me are:

1. Do not take the crutch away before you are ready. i.e. if you cannot yet stand on your own two feet, the crutch is there to support you for a reason. This "crutch" can come in many forms, and even though there may be judgment, one must…

I am famously hard on myself for giving in to temptations; perhaps due to a catholic upbringing, learned perfectionism or guilt through youth (parenting or schooling), or other insecurities. The more people I get to know, the more evidence I see of the prevalence of mental and emotional traumas around us.

When a person has a drug, alcohol or sex addiction, who asks the question what did their past look like? What deep trauma might they have experienced? What learned behaviors contributed to this? What was their childhood like? Do they need support?

Why are we so quick to judge others' behaviors when it is already so difficult to understand our own.

My go-to vice; drinking. This used to be an embarrassing habit to confront; healing has shown me vices in terms of survival vs. giving in to people trying to tear me down can be beneficial. I understand now that it was a necessary evil to outweigh the toxic people I had allowed to surround my energy. None of us our bound to our old habits or patterns forever. We can always choose to release the crutch once our legs can support the weight of our bodies. So do what you need to do to survive, and re-evaluate what still supports your greater purpose as you evolve.