I yearned so deeply for my marriage to be real. I wanted the family, support system, unconditional love that I never received as a child. Only later to discover that it too was all a facade. That I was being used to fulfill someone else's fantasy life by being their trophy spouse, mother, caretaker, earner, lover, chef, and with no reciprocation. Only fake dates where we never talked; him taking the kids on campouts, only to go out and get drunk with the boys while the kids played with their friends, but taking the credit for being father of the year. And we all ate up the facade blindly, confusing fast food for the real thing.

I received very little in return for my unending efforts to show I was worthy of love, but freely issuing my love at no cost to my spouse of 17 years. The price of my over-giving was nearly half of my life which he continued to take from me in the form of financial, emotional, physical and spiritual attacks and abuse. My sense of control over life vanished, as I realized we do not have control if we cannot love and respect ourselves. After all, what person who loves him/herself would allow this behavior to continue?

My personal journey consisted of massive amounts of release/tears, self reflection, strong boundaries and isolation. I did not know I needed these things, but was guided to them through strong intuition and rediscovery of my connection with God and the Universe. I would not have been able to survive this break-through alone. My ego and pride were forced to take a backseat to the need for assistance from the Higher Realms to make any kind of re-start possible. This was the moment; sink or swim. I chose to SWIM. The control-freak side of me stubbornly refused this for some time, and eventually gave way to a better, brighter world where letting "Jesus take the wheel" has new meaning.